


The royal lesbians versus the media

by aurembiaux



Series: A thousand strands braided together [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Female Bilbo Baggins, Female Bilbo Baggins/Female Thorin Oakenshield, Female Thorin Oakenshield, Fluff and Humor, Modern Royalty, Queen Thorin, Weddings, media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:27:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26604451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aurembiaux/pseuds/aurembiaux
Summary: Lesbians and royals have one thing in common: media always labels their lovers as friends.(Three short, sweet Bagginshield drabbles around that concept!)
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield
Series: A thousand strands braided together [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1935388
Comments: 6
Kudos: 82





	The royal lesbians versus the media

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MJ_Watson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MJ_Watson/gifts).



“They. Did it. Again.”

Thorin raised her head from the document she was reading to look at her girlfriend. Bilbo seemed to be trying to set a magazine on fire just by looking at it.

“Hm? Who did what?”

“This magazine!” With an angry huff, Biblo threw it on Thorin’s lap. “There, look at that caption. _Queen Thorin of Erebor and her esteemed friend, fantasy writer Bilbo Baggins, share an ice cream in Glóin’s II Gardens_. Her esteemed friend! We were sharing an ice cream because you were licking it from my mouth! Damn it, media, get it right!”

She was right, of course; Thorin had very vivid memories of that walk in the gardens. At least the picture was really cute; she vaguely considered writing to the magazine and asking for a copy. Inadvisable, she guessed; better not to encourage paparazzis.

“This is a lost battle,” she told Bilbo. “Lesbians and royals have one thing in common: media always labels their lovers as friends. You are dating a lesbian royal -the only way to avoid this would be marriage. Then they would have no option but calling you my wife.”

Bilbo looked at her suspiciously.

“You really want us to marry, don’t you?”

Thorin smiled with her best innocent expression.

“Who said that? I am only proposing a plan to force the media to acknowledge our relationship, that’s all.”

Bilbo shook her head.

“Darling,” she said. “I thought we agreed that devious plans were _my_ responsibility.”

*

“And then, of course, we’ll have to discuss the music arrangements,” Balin went on. Thorin was starting to feel the beginnings of a headache. “Do we hire a band? Or perhaps something more modern, like a famous DJ? In your case, I think the most traditional option would be advisable, since your wedding will be itself a breaching on tradition.”

“Now, now, you are right. This requires some consideration,” Bilbo agreed.

“There is also de matter of the tableware. Ereborean, naturally, but we must also consider-“

“Bilbo,” Thorin intervened. Her fiancée and cousin turned towards him. “You know we don’t need to have a huge wedding, right? Of course, it’s rather expected from us, but we are under no obligation, really -we could have a simple, small wedding and be done with it.”

She was sure that Balin’s face looked mutinous enough to belong to someone about to propose a coup d’état, but she didn’t expect the indignation and betrayal that Bilbo’s expression showed.

“We could what?” she squeaked. “What am I, a dirty little secret or something?”

Thorin blinked.

“Hardly. I am marrying you,” she pointed out. “I just thought that you might prefer something more discreet, so you wouldn’t have to worry about all those little details.”

“Really. That’s what you thought.” She didn’t seem impressed. At all.

“Well, you are not royalty, so you are not used to this nonsen-“

“Do you know me at all?” Bilbo complained. “Have you ever known me to turn away from any chance for a huge, luxurious party?”

“Ah -no, but you do disappear from them, sometimes.”

“Sure I do -whenever I encounter someone I don’t like,” Bilbo replied, rolling her eyes.

“So you don’t mind this? Having to fuss over the tableware, or the music, or everything else? I won’t mention flowers or fabrics, I know you love those,” she quickly added.

Bilbo smiled.

“I don’t mind. I love it, actually; it’s really fun.”

“Fun,” Thorin repeated, unconvinced. She knew that Bilbo liked to fuss over the smallest details, of course, but this wasn’t like choosing doilies for her sitting room.

“Yes, fun.” Bilbo patted her fiancée’s wrist. “Don’t you worry, honey, leave it in our hands. This will be the first saphic royal wedding in the whole Europe, and I mean to make it the event of the decade.” Her smile turned mischievous. “All those magazines that called us friends are going to come back crawling, begging for a single pic of the gorgeous brides.”

That made her laugh, and Balin chuckled as well.

“So this was a vendetta all along.”

“Of course.” She pointed at Thorin. “I don’t want to hear a discreet wedding mentioned ever again. I am Bilbo Baggins, I am marrying a queen, and I’ll either have a wedding worth of a Hello!’s monographic number, or nothing at all.”

*

“Does victory taste sweet?” Thorin asked. Bilbo was staring at their wedding’s Hello!’s monographic number with a blissful look.

“It does,” she admitted. She showed the cover to her wife. “Aren’t we the cutest couple you have ever seen?”

They might be. Thorin had never been one to feel comfortable in complicated dresses or high heels, but she had to admit she looked stunning in the dress that Bilbo and Dís had forced her into. Despite her fears, the corselet-like semi-sweetheart dress didn’t make her shoulders look too broad, and the long skirt fell around her legs in elegant waves. With her hair pined in a waterfall braid, she looked like some warrior princess out of Bilbo’s fantasy novels.

Of course, she found hard to believe that anyone had looked at her while Bilbo wore her tea-length, 50’s inspired lovely dress, and looked amazing with her hair styled like a classic Hollywood film star. How in hell was she lucky enough to be married with such a beauty?

To Thorin’s surprise, once she was done complimenting their looks, Bilbo put the magazine in an envelope.

“What are you going to do with it?” she asked, curious.

“I mean to send it to Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, of course,” Bilbo said, licking the envelope in order to safely close it. “I’ll have to find a sturdy box for it, though. I wouldn’t want to risk any damage.”

“Not inviting her to the wedding wasn’t enough?” Thorin asked, amused. Her wife knew how to hold a grudge.

“After all the years she spent taunting me about my unavoidable and tragic spinster’s fate? Hell no.” She looked at the envelope. “Maybe I should send it to all her friends, so they know to ask her about it. Do you think that could be arranged?”

Thorin shrugged.

“Of course. You are now married to the Queen of Erebor -that’s well within the boundaries of what can be arranged.”

Bilbo smiled.

“My, my. I am going to like being queen consort.”


End file.
